My Cancer Story....Part 2

I could have never prepared myself for what he said next....

I looked at him waiting for him to tell me this news… Then I could tell he was very nervous. I thought "Wow, something doesn’t seem good, I wonder what happened.".... I started to feel worried for him.

Then he said “I'm sorry honey but I received the report back from the biopsy of your Uterus and they found a rare cancer. It is called Leiomyosarcoma and they found it in the lining of the Uterus.”

I just sat there looking at him. The first thing that came to mind was ...I knew I didn’t deserve it. I knew I didn’t deserve this wonderful life I have. Now I’m going to die. Now I’m not going to live to see my children grow, to see them graduate high school, to see them graduate college, to see them get married and have children. I’m not going to be able to grow old with my Hunk. All our plans to travel in retirement and sit in our rocking chairs and talk about the grandchildren, gone. And I won't be able to take my grandchildren to Disneyland. My poor children losing their mother, my poor Hunk we've been together since high school.... STOP Stephanie concentrate....

All my plans, GONE in one conversation.. This all went through my mind like a flash.

Then click I was back…..

I looked at my mom. She was sitting and looking at my doctor and I could see the fear on her face. Her mother, my grandmother, has passed away when I was one year old from cancer. I felt sorry for my mom at that moment. I looked back at him and tried to concentrate. I know I misssed part of what he was saying.

He was now talking about having done research on it all last night and that he already called an excellent doctor in Southern California who agreed to see me. He said it was a very aggressive cancer and it was rare so there wasn’t a lot of information out there. He assured me my best chance was to go to Southern California and meet with the oncologist there. He gave me his phone number and said he would be expecting my call. He was saying he had written a book and I don't really remember the rest....

Then he got up and came to my bedside.....he apologized to me….. He looked physically ill….. I felt so bad for him. Then I remembered our conversation in his office that day....where I told him I was afraid he would find cancer and he assured me I would be fine. Then I understood even more why he looked so upset. That couldn’t have helped.

He told me he was sorry again and that I would be in the best hands and he left.

My mom rushed to me and said “Honey I’m so sorry and she started started crying." I was a bit in shock at this point still…I wasn‘t crying, wasn‘t really saying or doing anything, just trying to let it all soak in.... Though my eyes are tearing up as I type this, remembering my mom’s pain…. I can’t imagine being told my daughter has cancer.

The nurse came in and said that my doctor had asked her to give me some Valium and asked if I was okay or would I like some. My mom was now pacing around my bed and crying. I told the nurse I wasn’t sure that I needed it.

My mom starts almost yelling “No she is not ok!, She always does this! This is what she does! She holds everything in! Stephanie you always do this! You need to let it out!”. I was thinking....... mom needs the Valium, I think that is clear to everyone in this room....

I said “Mom, I’m fine…….please just stop. I’m just trying to let it all sink in”... I didn't have the energy to comfort her. I wish I did, even then I wish I could, I just couldn't.

I took the Valium and wanted to just lay back and be alone. I wanted to close my eyes and fall asleep....wake up and find out it was all a bad dream.........I needed to call Hunk and tell him the news. I knew he would be on the bid walk or at least on his way. I dreaded this call.

My mom stepped outside. She wanted to give me some room to be alone while calling Hunk and I think she wanted to have some time to herself also...... I can only imagine.....

I picked up the phone to call Hunk. The Valium was starting to kick in, I could feel myself relaxing a bit. I still hadn’t cried.

I dialed.....Ring….. Ring….

Hunk: "Well, Hello there Dear!" (gotta love caller id) oh man, he is so chipper, how can I tell him?...

Me: "Hi, Honey"…. oh gosh, how am I going to say this? My mind is racing...

Hunk: "Well, you sound much better this morning, is your pain starting to go away?"

Me: "The doctor came in this morning, he gave me some "VOLUME"..."….. I guess the “Valium” was working I couldn’t even pronounce it right …

Hunk: "VOLUME, Huh?……Sounds like it's working..... and he chuckled…"

Now I’m thinking.... listen to that chuckle….. How much longer will I be around to hear that chuckle? Maybe now isn’t a good time to tell him……maybe I should wait until he is back at the hospital tonight….. What do I say?... I have to tell him....

Me: "The doctor came in and said he got the biopsy report back"

Hunk: "Oh ya, how did that go?" He didn't sound AS chipper.....a tinge of concern that I brough this up..I imagine...

Me: "Well, I guess they found……and I burst into tears…."

To be Continued…..