Tuesday, October 20, 2009

My Cancer Story....Part 2

I could have never prepared myself for what he said next....

I looked at him waiting for him to tell me this news… Then I could tell he was very nervous. I thought "Wow, something doesn’t seem good, I wonder what happened.".... I started to feel worried for him.

Then he said “I'm sorry honey but I received the report back from the biopsy of your Uterus and they found a rare cancer. It is called Leiomyosarcoma and they found it in the lining of the Uterus.”

I just sat there looking at him. The first thing that came to mind was ...I knew I didn’t deserve it. I knew I didn’t deserve this wonderful life I have. Now I’m going to die. Now I’m not going to live to see my children grow, to see them graduate high school, to see them graduate college, to see them get married and have children. I’m not going to be able to grow old with my Hunk. All our plans to travel in retirement and sit in our rocking chairs and talk about the grandchildren, gone. And I won't be able to take my grandchildren to Disneyland. My poor children losing their mother, my poor Hunk we've been together since high school.... STOP Stephanie concentrate....

All my plans, GONE in one conversation.. This all went through my mind like a flash.

Then click I was back…..

I looked at my mom. She was sitting and looking at my doctor and I could see the fear on her face. Her mother, my grandmother, has passed away when I was one year old from cancer. I felt sorry for my mom at that moment. I looked back at him and tried to concentrate. I know I misssed part of what he was saying.

He was now talking about having done research on it all last night and that he already called an excellent doctor in Southern California who agreed to see me. He said it was a very aggressive cancer and it was rare so there wasn’t a lot of information out there. He assured me my best chance was to go to Southern California and meet with the oncologist there. He gave me his phone number and said he would be expecting my call. He was saying he had written a book and I don't really remember the rest....

Then he got up and came to my bedside.....he apologized to me….. He looked physically ill….. I felt so bad for him. Then I remembered our conversation in his office that day....where I told him I was afraid he would find cancer and he assured me I would be fine. Then I understood even more why he looked so upset. That couldn’t have helped.

He told me he was sorry again and that I would be in the best hands and he left.

My mom rushed to me and said “Honey I’m so sorry and she started started crying." I was a bit in shock at this point still…I wasn‘t crying, wasn‘t really saying or doing anything, just trying to let it all soak in.... Though my eyes are tearing up as I type this, remembering my mom’s pain…. I can’t imagine being told my daughter has cancer.

The nurse came in and said that my doctor had asked her to give me some Valium and asked if I was okay or would I like some. My mom was now pacing around my bed and crying. I told the nurse I wasn’t sure that I needed it.

My mom starts almost yelling “No she is not ok!, She always does this! This is what she does! She holds everything in! Stephanie you always do this! You need to let it out!”. I was thinking....... mom needs the Valium, I think that is clear to everyone in this room....

I said “Mom, I’m fine…….please just stop. I’m just trying to let it all sink in”... I didn't have the energy to comfort her. I wish I did, even then I wish I could, I just couldn't.

I took the Valium and wanted to just lay back and be alone. I wanted to close my eyes and fall asleep....wake up and find out it was all a bad dream.........I needed to call Hunk and tell him the news. I knew he would be on the bid walk or at least on his way. I dreaded this call.

My mom stepped outside. She wanted to give me some room to be alone while calling Hunk and I think she wanted to have some time to herself also...... I can only imagine.....

I picked up the phone to call Hunk. The Valium was starting to kick in, I could feel myself relaxing a bit. I still hadn’t cried.

I dialed.....Ring….. Ring….

Hunk: "Well, Hello there Dear!" (gotta love caller id) oh man, he is so chipper, how can I tell him?...

Me: "Hi, Honey"…. oh gosh, how am I going to say this? My mind is racing...

Hunk: "Well, you sound much better this morning, is your pain starting to go away?"

Me: "The doctor came in this morning, he gave me some "VOLUME"..."….. I guess the “Valium” was working I couldn’t even pronounce it right …

Hunk: "VOLUME, Huh?……Sounds like it's working..... and he chuckled…"

Now I’m thinking.... listen to that chuckle….. How much longer will I be around to hear that chuckle? Maybe now isn’t a good time to tell him……maybe I should wait until he is back at the hospital tonight….. What do I say?... I have to tell him....

Me: "The doctor came in and said he got the biopsy report back"

Hunk: "Oh ya, how did that go?" He didn't sound AS chipper.....a tinge of concern that I brough this up..I imagine...

Me: "Well, I guess they found……and I burst into tears…."

To be Continued…..


  1. Thanks for posting to my blog..And the reason Im thanking you is because it lead me here. You will now be on my daily reading list..

  2. I am so glad you are writing about this Steph, it will help SO many others going through the same thing! It brings back so many memories of when we got the news about moms cancer, actually I got it from HER GP when I went in for something for MY nerves and she assumed I knew and when she said how sorry she was about mom I gasped, ( I had to hold it in for a whole week, till SHE got the call) I was so scared and felt guilty that I knew and she didn't yet!)The Dr. looked like the cat that swallowed the canary, she then realized that none of knew the biopsy results yet! and I am so so sad that we couldn't be with you more during your treatment days because we were dealing with moms treatment days, then C's mom was diagnosed and we had 2 going at the same time! You have been given the gift of life for a reason cous and you live it to the fullest each day and are such an inspiration to all of us! And with my health probs, though not serious ones, I find myself asking every day "why can't I have a carefree, relaxed life" I have been caretaker for 4 people in the last 6 years and I feel like I deserve a little peace but life just seems to hurried and hectic for me and I don't know how to handle it most days so maybe by reading this and asking myself the same questions you do, I to can live the rest of my life a little more relaxed. Love you for sharing this and I am taking it all in!! You ARE a true survivor and feel with every fiber of my being that you will continue to be! Love ya cous.

  3. Wow. I still wish I could have been there when you got this news. I so badly wanted to stay with you overnight but I was too pregnant. Again I think it's wonderful you are writing this all out. You are an amazing writer and I know your words are going to help others. Xoxo

  4. Melinda- Thank you so much for saying I will be on your daily reading list! That is a huge compliment. Thank you and welcome to my blog!

    Lanette- I'm so sorry I know you went through so much with your mom. It's tough. Cancer really should be a four letter word. You have had your share of taking care of people and your own health issues. ((((hugs)))

    Tami- I know you wanted to be there little sista'. You were way to prego! You would have probably had to have been put in the bed next to me.... Thanks for saying I'm an amazing writer that means a lot to me. I do hope more than anything that my words will help others. Thanks for your encouragement and love.

  5. ♥ I'm glad the volume was working well. I can't even imagine having to deliver that kind of news!

  6. I am sorry for non posting before but I need to transate what you told us, I'll come back very soon.

  7. I have read both of these posts several times and my eyes water each time. I try to imagine how difficult the unexpected diagnosis must have been. You are a courageous woman and by sharing you might be able to help others.

  8. Love ya lots cous!! thanks for being YOU!

  9. I can only imagine the swirl of emotions going through you AND your Mom's minds.
    I probably would have reacted the same as you. Taking a bit for it to sink in.
    It has come to our thinking that cancer is always terminal. But new medecines are making huge differences.

  10. Thank you all so much for reading, your caring and for your comments. It means a lot to me.