MY CANCER STORY~ PART ELEVEN

I couldn't sleep so I pulled out my lap top and I typed a letter to Hunk. A letter I still have. A letter he will keep forever. It was a letter from my heart and somehow I felt a little better after writing it. (you can read part 10 of my cancer story HERE)





I wasn't sure when I would give him the letter. I wanted to wait for the perfect time.


The time at the cabin seemed to go by so quickly. As it did every year. Never enough time to spend with our family. It was so nice to have everyone there. It was always a time we enjoyed laughing together, telling old stories from our pasts (that we have all heard a million and one times, but still LOVE to tell and hear again)....

It was a time to take the rugrats out sledding, have snowball fights and build a snowman. This year was not different in that respect. We still wanted and did all of those things, plus we (yes Hunk there is a mouse in my pocket) were "adding on" to our home by completing our basement. We were turning it in to a play/family room with steps down to a jacuzzi area with a fireplace and big windows and sliding glass door that looked out at Shaver Lake.

It was such an exciting time for us and such a heartbreaking time all at once. I was taking it all in. Every funny thing someone said, every hug a rugrat gave me, the way people laughed, the way my adorable baby nephew smelled. It's engraved in my mind forever. I had to soak it all up and hold on to it forever because the reality was that this could be my last Christmas with my family.

There are no taking any days for granted. This should be true for all of us. We don't know when our time here on earth is through. It's easy to step away and not think about this, and we do NOT want to dwell on it, but I think we should be aware and live our lives to the fullest.

After leaving the cabin there wasn't much time before I needed to head down south to see my Oncologist. He wanted me to come early and see him before the surgery. My mom went down with me. We wanted to take this time to have a "Mother daughter trip". She wanted to make this trip as fun for me as possible. I loved her so much for doing this for me and inside my heart was breaking for her too. I can't imagine this happening to my daughter.

It made me so mad that cancer had such power over my family. I did not want to let it eat away at our family like it was trying to do to my body. My parents shouldn't have to lose a child, my sister shouldn't have to lose her only sibling, my husband shouldn't have to lose his wife and my children definitely shouldn't have to lose their mother.

I hated this nasty dragon and I had to slay it. There were times I felt confident and there were times I was down on my knees begging God to stay with me as there was no way I could do this alone. I would feel him there and the tension would start to fade and I could again absorb all that was around me.

I vowed that if I made it I was going to do things that were more important. I would keep help in the office, as long as we were financially able, and I would do more with the rugrats. Not that I didn't do a lot already but it just felt like it wasn't enough.

My youngest son loved putting on shows for us and making us laugh. We always called him our little "Jim Carrey". I had a friend whose daughter was pursuing acting. I decided WHEN I got better I would see if I could meet with her manager and see if my son had any possibility of pursuing acting. I hadn't looked into it before, even though I knew he would love it, because even though we live in California most of the auditions would be in Los Angeles/Hollywood area which is a good 3 hours away. I was now looking forward to spending 3 hours in the car with my Rugrat, if this would make him happy. I could give up 8 hours out of my day to help him pursue a dream.

Many days were spent thinking of what I would change if I had it to do all over again. I just prayed that I would be given that chance.

I didn't give Hunk the letter until after my surgery but I thought I'd share it with you now.

As I lay up in our bed in our Christmas vacation home and I listen to my children and family laugh and talk......... below is the letter I typed on my laptop computer, to the love of my life.......



Mike,

We decided not to exchange Christmas gifts this year due to the BIG gift we are doing for each other already (the basement). Which I know is more for me than you…But I wanted to write you a letter. It has been such a difficult time for me (and I know for you too) lately and I don’t know how I could make it without you. The thought of facing this alone I can’t even imagine. You are always there when I need to talk and when I don’t feel like talking. You push me back to positive when I start getting negative, yet you don’t make me feel like I’m ridiculous for being negative at times. I fell for you from the moment I met you at Linda’s house. I’m so glad Cindy dialed your number and gave me the phone. I regret every time I did something that hurt your feelings and I wish I could do anything to take each and every one of those times back. Our marriage has grown stronger and stronger over the years. When I look at you I still think you are soooo handsome. I always tell people you are a good catch. With each year I never think I could love you more than I already do, and every year I love you even more. I can’t imagine a life that didn’t have you as my husband. You treat me like a queen. I will be the first one to admit that I am spoiled rotten by you. There comes a point in a marriage that you don’t feel like you are completely your own person anymore. I feel like we are one and when we are not together I feel like a part of me is missing, I guess that part would be my heart.

I can be a pretty stubborn and strong headed person (as you know more than most) and I am going to do everything I can to beat this cancer. I refuse no matter what bad news MAY come my way to just lie down and give up. I have you and our four beautiful children and that is not an option. But on the completely realistic side I know there are several tough people who feel the same way I do, and I think they make it a lot longer than the rest (if not beat it all together) but like your Aunt Chris who gave it her all and didn’t make it. IF that should happen to me I want you to know that you are and always will be my soul mate, my one true love and you have made my life complete. You are a wonderful husband and my gosh, couldn’t ask for a better father. The love you show our kids in how you help to raise them just melts my heart and makes me love you more each day. IF somehow I don’t make it through all of this I am thankful for all the years we have had together and I would want you to always remember what an amazing husband you have been and know that I will never really be gone I’ll be making sure we have a wonderful home waiting when you all join me. All that being said I don’t plan to go anywhere…. I will win this and get off this roller coaster ride. I’m holding tight to the clear scans I had and the aggressive treatment they will be giving me. And who knows I may look hot as a bald chick.

Thanks for all your love and support not just now but over the years.

You are my love, my strength and have my whole heart forever.

Stephanie

To be continued.....

PICKED UP THE CT SCAN RESULTS!

"CHEERS! CHEERS! CHEERS! CHEERS"

Celebrate Good Times...COME ON!............ There is a party goin' on round here....a celebration to last throughout the year.....so bring your good times and your laughter too, cuz we gonna celebrate your party with you.....COME ON NOW..... Celebrate good times.. come on!!


I got my scan results last night and looks good! There are a couple things I'll have to check with the oncologist about but overall everything looks great!

To say I'm excited is an understatement for sure. In 5 minutes time I found out that my 2nd chance at life gets to continue...... GOD is good!

Because I'm so excited and because you guys are THE BEST EVER I'm giving you a heads up that I'll be posting a FREE GIVEAWAY CONTEST very soon to celebrate.

Thank you for all your prayers and support and know they made and continue to make a difference in my life.

I am so blessed!! I am so grateful! I love my life!!

Ciao Bellas~

HAD MY CANCER CT SCANS YESTERDAY~

I had my annual CT Scans yesterday. They scanned my chest abdomen, pelvis, head and neck. I was supposed to have it in December. I was going to bump it up a little and have it in November instead and I didn't, I pushed it to January. Every year I have them done right at the holidays and I STRESS every time I have them. I thought putting them off would help. Not so much, I just kept thinking about how I needed to get them done, I might as well have just done them.

This is the first time I was able to wait one year in between my scans. It was every 3 months, then moved to every 6 and then they moved it to once a year. (It will remain once a year for the rest of my life). Being the first time I've waited one year I'm a bit more nervous than usual. I'm trying to be very optimistic, TRYING VERY HARD. It just doesn't seem to get easier.

I try not to let everyone around me know how much it bothers me. I guess I think if I pretend I'm not worried then they won't worry. And I know we aren't supposed to worry about things. And I do pray and give things up to the Lord and it really does help to ease the worries. It does....... BUT it is still there.

Is this going to be the time it's back? If it's back will they be able to remove it with surgery? Will I have to do chemo again? Will I be here to watch my rugrats grow? Will Hunk and I get to retire and grow old together?

I was in Costco yesterday and this elderly couple were in front of me. The gentleman had a cane and was a little slow going but he hurried over and helped unload their cart and then went back to his wife's side. I started unloading mine and he notice my pretzels filled with peanut butter. I said "Those are REALLY good". He said "They look REALLY good" Then he comes closer to me and points at his wife and says "This is my girlfriend!" I laughed and said "Is this your first date?" He chuckled and I said "Your girlfriend is beautiful!" He smiled. Then he said "We have been married 64 years!" I said "Oh my gosh, that is soooooo wonderful!" He was so proud and so in love. His wife smiled at me and he said "don't tell her, she might divorce me" and he laughed...he tickled himself. And she said "We've been married too many years for that." I said "I'm so happy for you, I love it, have a great day" And they started walking away.........he comes back over to me and points at my ring finger and says "How many years have you been married?" I said "twenty one years" He smiled and said "That's is wonderful" And he walked as quickly as he could to catch up with his wife. My heart swelled. I wanted to sit and talk with them. Hear all their secrets and stories. And I wondered............I wondered if Hunk and I will one day be that couple? Will I be here to be that wife? I pray that I will. And I wont take a single day for granted.

In all the stresses and "woe is me's" that come along with having had cancer I can say, sometimes I think it's the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't take the blue sky for granted, I don't take hugs and loves from my rugrats for granted .........bottom line, I don't take life for granted. Every day is a 2nd chance. I had a 30% chance to live 5 years. I'm still here......THAT......I WILL TAKE!!!

But I still have a hard time remembering all these things come scan time. I think that makes me........HUMAN.......

Thanks for listening to the rambles....the rambles that run through my mind at scan time.

It is also a reminder to me to let others know how much I appreciate them. So I want to take this time to let you all know how much I appreciate you. How much you truly mean to me. With every comment I feel the love and support, with every visit to my site I smile to know, someone is enjoying reading this little blog I write. With every new "follower" I am thrilled to see who else will be my blogging friend.

There are soooooooo many nice people in this world. In the mix off all the terrible times we have all experienced in our lives, the economy, etc. we can't forget how many great things still happen. How many people love and care about others. Care about people they don't even know. THAT is what life is about.

Thank you! You all make my life a better place.

I'll keep you posted when I get my scan results. And I'm hoping we can all say "CHEERS" together.....

Enjoy your Saturday friends.

Ciao Bellas~

MY CANCER STORY~ PART TEN

I fell asleep in Hunks arms knowing that tomorrow would be a very busy day.......




It would be a day filled with calling back applicants for the office position and I also wanted to start making my list for our Christmas shopping....... now that I was looking forward to!

We woke up and started our day like every other family starts theirs. Getting ready for work, getting the rugrats ready for school. But try as I might I was having a hard time shaking the words of my doctor. I could still feel his hand resting on my leg as he asked me why I had to get THIS cancer.

I kept imagining my conversation with him when he called back to give me results. I imagined the conversation from one extreme to the other. From "the results showed there was no cancer" to "the results showed I have a week to live"... I had to get my mind off it it...... I did what I always do when I'm stressed, I started cleaning.. DEEP cleaning. If only I felt up to company after this day. My house was beautiful. It was so clean normally I would have been praying for company to come by so they could see my sink sparkle.



That did the trick. Got my mind off of it and I felt the stress slip away. When the house was clean I went to the office and started going through applications. I picked up the phone and called one of the applicants to set up an interview.



I explained I was looking for someone to work in our office. I told her I was diagnosed with cancer and that we hadn't told the children yet. I started to cry and had to put her on hold. Where was this coming from? I was doing just fine before picking up the phone. I guess it was the first time I was having to say it out loud. The first time I was having to tell someone not in my little tiny circle of people who knew, that I had cancer.



I was so embarrassed but I pulled it together and got back on the phone. I apologized and went on to set up an interview. But I could hear it in her voice. She was also crying. Immediately I knew, unless when she got there she was a wacko nut job, she was who I planned to hire. Her resume looked great and she obviously had compassion.......which was going to be needed. Not so much for me, but for my Hunk and my rugrats.....



I will never ever forget her interview. She pulled up and she was darling. Very pretty girl and really seemed to have it on the ball. She seemed so sincere and trustworthy. She knew her way around office work and had already been doing books for her boyfriends father's business.



The best part was after she left the interview my phone rang. It was her. She called to apologize because she hit my gate post on her way out and knocked it over. It was at that moment that I knew she was the PERFECT person for the job....... That is SUCH A MOVE I WOULD DO......Go to an interview and take out their fence post on my way out..... Yep, she was my girl!



Before I knew it my doctor called. I actually missed his first call. I was out Christmas shopping with my mom and I missed it. I called back but I got the nurse. She said she would have him return my call.



I got back to my parents home and my mom and I were talking, as usual..... it is what I do so well. ;) My cell phone rang. It was my doctor. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil so I could take notes. It was obvious how nervous I was when I went to write as he was speaking. My hands were shaking so badly I couldn't write. I could hardly hold the pencil in my hand. It was scribbles all over the page. I had to calm myself down. I was begging my hand to stop. I had to take these notes. He was telling me that he had the results back and that the grade of my cancer was not low grade it was "High Grade"...... This didn't help my shaking. He told me he had met with a board of doctors and students (it is a teaching hospital) and there were different opinions on what to do. Some said to just start chemotherapy. Some said to go back in and remove other things that I don't need that the cancer could spread to and to take a look around and some biopsies. I asked him what HIS opinion was. He stated that he liked to know exactly what he was dealing with and he wanted to remove the fatty lining in my stomach, he wanted to remove some lymph nodes and biopsy my liver, he wanted to complete my hysterectomy to a "full hysterectomy" and remove the rest of my.....ya know...woman parts.... So I told him that I wanted to go this route. I didn't feel there was TOO MUCH we could do. I wanted to do anything and everything we could do to rid me of this awful disease called Cancer.



I made an appointment for surgery and an appointment a couple days prior to the surgery to go over everything further and we hung up. I was crying and shaking and was trying to pull it together... I kept telling myself we were doing something about it. I was going to slay this dragon. But I was still shaking inside. It was still so surreal that I had just hung up with an oncologist. That I had to discuss surgery and biopsies and chemotherapy. It was a lot harder at this point to imagine it was all an error on someones part. Yes, originally there was an error in the grade of my cancer but unfortunately it wasn't an error that it was cancer it was an error that it wasn't LOW grade cancer.....



Time to get things in order. It was almost Christmas. Every Christmas we went to our home up in the mountains and this year would not be any different. I needed to go this year more than ever. I needed to spend time with my family. I needed to try to get my mind off of it. I needed a sense of "normalcy in my life."



I hired our office help and no sooner did she start we left for our home up in the mountains. I am so grateful that she was everything I thought her to be as I gave her the key to our office and hit the road. She did great. She was an angel sent down in my time of need and I will always be forever grateful for her help. She is now home raising her own two rugrats. She is a great momma and it is exactly where she belongs.



I had a bit of a break down at our Cabin (home) in the mountains. I had to call and get hotel rooms for Hunk, my parents and my sister, her Hunk and my baby nephew. My sister's mother in law was also coming to help watch the baby for my sister. The breakdown was just an overload. I do feel sorry for the gal at the registration desk of the hotel. She wasn't aware of the "discount" that I was previously told I would receive and did previously receive (at our first visit to the oncologist) for being a patient of the hospital. After freaking out, I apologized and explained I'm just under a lot of stress. She said she understood. Poor Gal.

At this point I was exhausted.. I went up to our bedroom to lay down. My mom and sister watched after the kids for me.

I couldn't sleep so I pulled out my lap top and I typed a letter to Hunk. A letter I still have. A letter he will keep forever. It was a letter from my heart and somehow I felt a little better after writing it.

To be continued....

MY CANCER STORY~ PART NINE

I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!

I read about this online!

He said that he would send it to two different labs for the tests to be done and he was going to be meeting with a group of doctors and they would be discussing my case and they would call us with their recommendations.


He explained a little more about how rare the cancer is and how it is known for returning. He assured us he would do everything he could for me and stated that he planned to keep a very close eye on me.

Hunk and I left in a bit of a fog. It was real, it was happening, but sometimes it felt like it wasn't really happening. Does that make sense? In my strange little head it does.....

We now needed to go home and start breaking the news.....OR could I wait until I heard from the doctors as to what they were going to do... I didn't know what the "right" answer was.

I didn't want to tell my Rugrats, Christmas was coming and I didn't want them to worry. I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't want to have to start answering questions from everybody. I wasn't ready to hear everyone tell me how sorry they are.

In some weird way I thought if I didn't tell anyone then maybe it would go away. Maybe there was still a chance to wake up from this nightmare.

I just wanted things to be back to normal.

I wanted to be the mom working in the kids classrooms. I wanted to be the wife running the office, I wanted to be the daughter visiting her parents, I wanted to be the big sister helping out her little sister with her new baby, I wanted to be the Aunt rocking her nephew and loving on him. Most importantly I wanted to live. I wanted my life back. I didn't want to miss a minute of anything.

I knew I had to accept that the best I could hope for was a "new normal". If I could live to see my children grow up and have more time with my Hunk then I would accept any "new normal" that was dished out to me.

On the way home Hunk and I decided that we would wait until we heard back from my oncologist before we told anyone. We wanted to be armed with all of the information before telling the Rugrats. We wanted to be able to answer questions.

Our Rugrats were 14, 11, 6 and 5. We knew our Rugrat daughters were so young they wouldn't really understand so much but the boys, especially our oldest, he was going to have lots of questions. After losing Hunks Aunt to cancer we knew that would cause more alarm.

We got home and relieved my parents from Grandma/Grandpa duty and went to bed.

We layed and talked about how if I had to go thru chemo that I could get different wigs and Hunk could go to bed with "a different woman" each night. I stated that I may end up being bald but at least I'd be skinny..we were trying to ease the tension, ease the pain.....laugh....if even only for the moment.... Hunk is always good for a laugh.

I fell asleep in Hunks arms knowing that tomorrow was going to be a very busy day.

To be continued....

MY CANCER STORY~ PART EIGHT......

The fact the I have an oncologist still sometimes takes my breath away....

Hunk and I got up the next morning and sat and drank our coffee together before waking the Rugrats. We love to watch the sunrise and have a few minutes to visit before the day begins....

Hunk left for work and I got the Rugrats ready and took them to school. When I came home I called and put an Ad in the paper and I also put it on an unemployment website. I thought it would be harder on me typing up the Ad then it was. I seemed to have a renewed strength that morning and was trucking right along. Doing what needed to be done.

I went to the barn and pulled out our suitcase and started packing. I shouldn't be down in Southern California long, just a night or two. We were just going to meet with the oncologist and discuss what our plan of attack would be.

My parents came over to stay the night with us so they would be there in the morning for the kids. Hunk and I needed to leave early to make it to my appointment on time.

It was a pretty quiet evening, I picked up the Rugrats, cooked dinner, enjoyed a nice family meal with everyone and turned in. My stomach was starting to get upset thinking about what lay ahead of me the next day...... You don't want to know where I end up sitting when my stomach gets nervous.....it seems to be a "family tradition".....get nervous.....well, I'm sure you get the picture......

The next morning we got up and headed down South. We arrived, checked in to our hotel that was located across the street from my doctor. The hotel gave us a discount since I was a patient of the Hospital. We relaxed in the room for a few and then headed across the street for my appointment.

Once in the office we were handed the normal 365 pages of paperwork to fill out as a "new patient", they took copies of our insurance card, paid the copay and sat and waited to be called.

It wasn't long and a bubbly lady came out and called us back. She lead me straight to the......ughhhhhhh........dare I say it.........Yes........you've guess it........straight to the SCALE! So rude.... I of course kicked of my shoes, sat down my purse and was wishing I could take off all my clothes. they had to at least weight 20 pounds, right? Ok, maybe 2......whatever...

She took us back to "the room" and we anxiously sat waiting for the doctor. When he came in there were a couple student doctors with him. I'll never ever ever forget the moment he walked into the room. He opened the door, they filed in. Introduced themselves, shook Hunks hand and turned to me. I think I was about to pass out. I said hello and he sat down on the stool at the end of the exam table I was sitting on. He placed his hand on my knee and said "Honey, of all the cancers in the world, why did you have to get this one? I'm so sorry".......

Now one would think this was a rude way to say "your chances of surviving this cancer SUCK" but if you had seen the warmth and concern in his face and eyes when he said it, it was coming from real concern and compassion. I wont forget what he said, but I also won't forget the look on his face when he said it.

He went on to tell us that they would need to rerun the biopsy report because it was wrong. He explained that with the high mitotic count I had it wasn't possible for it to be a low grade cancer as it had been written.

I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!.....

To be Continued...

MY CANCER STORY, PART SEVEN....

What I really wanted was to hug my children and never ever let go........in fact, that is what I planned to do as soon as they got home from school............

We got ready and went to the church for the funeral services. I still couldn't believe that she had passed. I couldn't believe I was going to have to tell my Rugrats I had cancer right after they found out that a family member passed away due to cancer.

Life isn't always easy, is it?

There were more people at the service than I expected. I thought they were keeping it small. It was very nice. Parts of it are a blur to me but I remember a slide show they had set to music. It had lots of fun photos of her when she was healthy and happy. Many of family times like camping trips we had all taken together. Many with her beautiful daughter. Then there were photos of her during her chemo and it broke my heart. It broke my heart for her and it broke my heart to see what I was about to go through. What my family was about to go through.

After the church service there was a luncheon immediately following and we ended up sitting with Hunks cousins. His cousin was talking about how her son had a spot on his back that she was having checked out. How being at the funeral was making her more worried about the spot. What if it was cancer, etc. Everyone was talking about how awful cancer is and how much time she spent going through chemo.

At this point Hunk and I were just nodding and smiling and agreeing. Having them not know that I was sitting there "with cancer" was beginning to be difficult but I still think it wasn't the time to share that news. Not at the funeral. We were going through the motions. Hunk would reach down and squeeze my knee from time to time or lean over and give me a kiss. His way of saying "hang in there, I'm sorry".

We made it through the service and after we went to a restaurant that Hunks Aunt used to love to go to. She loved to go there and order Lemon Drop Martini's. Hunk and I thought it would be nice for the two of us to have a little alone time before heading back home to the Rugrats and figured "toasting" his Aunt with her favorite drink would be the best way to end the day....

We ordered our drinks, we sniffed here and there as we talked about the service and we laughed as we talked about fun memories we had with her.

We also talked about the fact that I was going to need to hire help in our office. (at this time I was doing all of the office work myself) I decided to put an ad in the paper and start looking for someone to train right away. I didn't have much time and was hoping I'd find someone good and quickly. Our office was attached to our home and with four Rugrats running around there I was afraid I'd have a hard time finding the right person.

We came home in time to play "monopoly" with the Rugrats and then put them to bed.

We decided to go to bed early ourselves. Tomorrow was going to be a loooong day. I needed to get the ad in the paper for office help and we needed to pack because we were going to be leaving in a couple days to go visit my Oncologist visit in Southern California.

The fact the I have an oncologist still sometimes takes my breath away....

To be continued........

MY CANCER STORY.......Part Six

I wanted to barf.........and I hadn't even started chemo yet.....



Hunk went with me to my follow up visit (for the hysterectomy) and to talk to my doctor again before I headed to Southern California to see the oncologist.

To say I was nervous would be a MAJOR understatement. I felt like I was holding it together pretty well though considering.


I came to the appointment with my list of questions that I assumed he wouldn't have the answers too. But I thought I would ask anyway. Especially the one major question on my mind.

The question that kept me up at night. The question that made ME QUESTION if they even had my diagnosis correct. I wanted to believe so badly that they didn't. This one big thing that stood out to me as an error gave me "almost hope" that there could be another large error. Though even as those thoughts whispered around in my head down deep I doubted they had.

We were taken back rather quickly upon arriving for my appointment and we didn't have to wait long in the waiting room either. I didn't mind that part at all!

My Doctor entered:

Dr: "Hi Honey, How are you today?"

Momma: "Hello, I'm doing okay I guess...attempted grin... I'm a little sore still, but okay"

Dr: "Well, lets take a look"

He checked everything out, felt I was healing nicely and then I sat back up..... (I don't know why I get so nervous every time I have to lay down on one of those beds.....I don't think that ever goes away)...

I pulled out my WAD of papers and my list of questions. I started asking him my #1 question.

Momma: "According to what I've found online it shows that with a mitotic count as high as mine that there is no way it could be "Low Grade" cancer.

Dr: "Now honey, you need to speak with your oncologist about this. But I'm sure it is low grade. That mitotic count doesn't sound that high. You need to stay off of the computer and stop scaring yourself"

So in other words, I hate to tell you "I have no idea."......So ONCE AGAIN I will suggest you talk to the oncologist and I will try to calm you and tell you that it doesn't SOUND high. I did love him but I knew myself and I knew wouldn't stop researching...

We came home and Hunk went back to try to get some work done while I rested.

I couldn't rest so I got up and walked down to the desk in our office. I tried to call Hunk's Aunt (well she was no longer married to his uncle but we still considered her an aunt) that I hadn't spoken to in far too long. The one I told you about in the beginning of my story. The one who had kicked cancers butt and was getting better. The one that would understand EXACTLY what I'm going through.

I called her home, no answer. I figured I would try again later.

My mother in law called (who did not know about my results......we had not shared with anyone who had not come to the hospital, yet).... I was telling her that I was trying to reach "C". She said "Oh, she is in a cancer treatment place in Southern California, she isn't doing well".

I felt like I had been punched in the gut.

I called Hunk and he agreed that we will get in touch with her and go down and visit on our way to my oncologist appointment.

I called Hunk's uncle, to confirm the information and get her room #, etc. When he answers I let him know I'm trying to get in touch with "C" and that I had been told her cancer returned and she was in a Southern California treatment center.

Uncle: "No, she was not in Southern California, she was here in town."

Momma: "Oh, WAS? So is she home now?"

Uncle: "No, she passed away last night. Her funeral is in a couple days. I'm sorry I hadn't called yet"

Momma: "Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, ok..ummmm....ok.....Ok, we will be there."

He asked that I not tell a lot of people and he was trying to keep it from being too large. Wanted it to be simple.

I hung up and cried. I cried that I hadn't called her sooner. I cried because her cancer came back and she couldn't fight it off. I cried because my children would have just lost a family member to cancer before finding out their Momma has cancer. I cried for Hunk's little cousin who was still in school, so young. I cried for "C" that she would miss all the things that her daughter would be experiencing. I know she is watching over her and missing nothing, but she wouldn't be here on earth with her. I cried because I would miss her, many many people would miss her.

I dropped to my knees right there on my office floor and I prayed, more of a BEG. I prayed for "C"'s daughter and family. I prayed for the wisdom to know how and when to tell my children and I prayed for my family. My father has been dealing with his own rare heart disease illness and my mother having lost her own mother to cancer. And now for them to have to deal with their child being diagnosed with such an evil disease. I prayed for my Hunk, my rock. I just prayed.

When I pulled myself together (because I tried not to cry in front of anyone, I wanted to be strong. I wanted to pretend I had it all under control. I didn't want to cause more stress on anyone) I called Hunk and let him know what I had found out.

It broke my heart to tell him.

We decided it was still right to not tell anyone about my diagnosis. We had intended to wait until my Oncologist visit when we had more information and we felt we still wanted to do just that. I definitely wasn't announcing it at the funeral to family members. This was a day to both morn the loss of and celebrate the life of "C". And that is exactly what I planned to do.

I felt like my world was crumbling around me. And I wondered what I was supposed to be learning from this experience. I'm a strong believer in learning from things that happen in our lives. I wanted to learn this lesson and move on quickly......

What I really wanted was to hug my children and never ever let go........in fact, that is what I planned to do as soon as they got home from school.

To be continued........

MY CANCER STORY~ Part 5.......

You guessed it!...... My little sister was in labor and headed to the hospital.



I hung up the phone and went into the bedroom where my mother was sleeping. I walked in just as she was laying her head down on the pillow.



I said "Mom, guess who is in labor and on her way to the hospital?"



She lifted her head back up off of the pillow, grabbed her clothes, she had just taken off and changed OUT of her pajamas back INTO her clothes......



Her and my dad headed out of town to the hospital, about an hour and 15 minute drive from my home, to meet up with my little sister and her hubby.



I went to go lay back down and I kept going between excited for my sister, to sad for me...... I had looked soooooooooooo forward to this day, and now I couldn't be there.



I kept thinking of how I might not see him grow up. How he might not ever know who I am. I planned to be the best Auntie I could be to him and now that may not happen. I may not have that chance.



Why God, why me?....... this was a question I asked here and there but I knew God hadn't done this TO me...... and what I needed was to rely on him to be with me through this..I couldn't do it alone.....I did know that much.......



I laid in Hunks arms that night and cried myself to sleep..... crying myself to sleep was not a habit I would allow myself to get into...... I needed to be strong...



When my nephew was born (the next day) my brother in law called me and he took a photo of my nephew and sent it to me. So though I wasn't there I was the first person he called and I was the first person "not there" to see a photo of him.

I will never forget that. I love my brother in law so much. He is not an "in law" to me. He is my brother....... I call him my brother from another mother.....and I say it to be silly but the truth is, I mean it.



And I must say... my nephew was (and still is) adorable.... HUGE....but adorable. He is a blessing that came out of one of the worst times in my life. He gave me reason to smile...



I couldn't wait to see him in person. To love, hug and kiss on him.....



I ,OF COURSE, got online the next day and immediately started surfing the web for information on Leiomyosarcoma.... BAD IDEA..... kind of......



I did find a support group online and a lot of information. A lot of the information I found was about how there isn't much information. But I found enough information to know that what I was dealing with was very serious.



I also found enough information to know that according to the reports I held in my hand, the GRADE that was assigned to my cancer was WRONG..... The mitotic count was VERY HIGH in my report and that was not equal to LOW GRADE as I was told.....



I started freaking out.... I thought, well if they got this wrong then what else is wrong......maybe it isn't even Leiomyosarcoma. Maybe it's something else. Maybe it's a different type of cancer. One with better odds.



OR maybe it's not a cancer at all. My gosh, do these people know what they are doing? I found this out online..... Who is doing the biopsies??.... Oh I think I'm going to faint...... I need to calm down....... I need......I need to turn this computer off. .....



But I couldn't......



I needed to make notes to take with me to my check up (for the hysterectomy) visit with my doctor. I would ask him about the mitotic count. He's not an oncologist, but maybe he will have answers.........



He referred me to a doctor in Southern California because Leiomyosarcoma is so rare that there are not any doctors prepared to work with me here........but still.....maybe he will know.



I don't think I can wait for answers until I get to Los Angeles.....maybe I should do more research....... my mind is spinning......I don't think this is really happening to me...... this happens to other people......... not to me......



How many times did I have to convince myself it was happening to me?



Ok, make notes Stephanie and then let it go.........deep breaths....... the kids will be home from school soon.



So I printed off a 5,968 pages of information and I turned off the computer and I made my notes...... I was as prepared as I could be for my doctor visit...



I wanted to barf.........and I hadn't even started chemo yet.....



To be continued........

MY CANCER STORY~ Part 4

it was happening to me......

I closed my eyes again........ it wouldn't go away... no matter how hard I tried it wouldn't leave my mind.

My hospital room door opened. It was one of my best friends. We have been friends since high school. We are always there for each other. I hadn't even called her yet. Oh man, how was I going to tell her.

Friend: "Hey, Steph, How are you?" I was trying to read the look on her face, was she looking so sympathetic because of my surgery or was it because my mom had already told her about the cancer...

Me: "I'm ok. I got some not so good news this morning"

Friend: "Ya, your mom told me outside before I came in "

Me: "ya...... they gave me Valium, so I'm a bit out of it".. I tried to grin...

Friend: forces a chuckle and says "I can tell.... I'm so sorry Steph. I just can't believe it."

Me: "Ya, me either......crazy day......"...... I smiled at her....a smile I would end up using a lot. A smile that TRIED to say "I'm good, don't worry about me."

We wiped the tears from our eyes and she gave me a big hug and whipped out a gift she had brought for me. She always comes baring gifts. Always thinking of things that I would like.

She stayed and visited for a bit and then left me to rest.

I think she could tell I didn't have the energy to visit.

As much as I love her and as much as I we do anything for our non-children visiting time..... I didn't have the energy...

I could only keep the smile on my face for so long....It was so tiring trying to pretend, not just to everyone else, but also to myself.....that I was handling it all.

My mom came back in to check on me and then I did what I didn't think I would be able to do ever again..... I fell asleep. I've never been more grateful for sleep.....

When I woke up I had a room full of people. My parents, Hunk, my little sister and her hubby were all there to visit.

My poor sister, she was ready to P-O-P.....Pop..... That big ol' prego belly. Literally due any day.

The doctor came in and let me know that I would be released to go home the next day.
Once I could travel, I'd be heading to Southern California to see my oncologist. It was so hard to wrap my head around the fact that I had an oncologist....

My Hunk stayed the night in the hospital with me that night and we agreed that we would wait to tell the Rugrats until we knew exactly what we were dealing with. I didn't want to scare them.

I really didn't want to tell them at all. In fact, I didn't want to tell ANYONE. Maybe if I didn't tell anyone it would go away.

We talked about my Hunks Aunt Chris who had been fighting cancer and how strange it felt to now have it myself. I always felt so terrible for her and would try to imagine myself in her shoes. I thought I could imagine how she must have felt. Until now, I didn't realize how much I really had no idea just how she felt.

We hadn't talked in awhile but I cared a lot about her and because I knew she would understand 100% how I felt, I wanted to call her. I decided when I got home I would do just that.....She would be the one person I would share this with.

Hunk and I tried to get some sleep and that night I was still in a bit of a fog. It somehow felt like it wasn't real.

It was happening and I knew that but I was distancing myself from it in a way. I kept focusing on how it was effecting other people. I guess I thought if I worried about everyone else then they wouldn't have to worry about me...... "I" wouldn't have to worry about me.

I didn't get checked out of the hospital and back home until late that next evening.

My parents were staying the night with us and we were all exhausted. It had been a very long and very emotional last few days for all of us.

Once we got home we sat and talked for only a few minutes and then decided we all really needed to go to bed.

We said goodnight and were headed to our bedrooms for the night.

As soon as we got our PJ's on and were ready to lay down...... the phone rang......

You guessed it!...... My little sister was in labor and headed to the hospital.

To be continued......

MY CANCER STORY~ PART 3...

Me: "Well, I guess they found……and I burst into tears…."

Hunk: "They what? Stephanie what's going on? I can't understand you"

Me: "Sorry" I tried to pull myself together...caught my breath and said " I guess they found cancer in my Uterus. They found two cysts"

Hunk: Sighhhh.... " What did he say?"

Me: "He said it's a really rare cancer. I can't remember the name, it's a long name. It's really aggressive and they don't know a lot about it. He already made an appointment for me to go and see an Oncologist in Southern California"

Hunk: "Ok, we will go see him and we'll do what we need to do. Are you okay?"

Me: "Ya, I'm ok, just in a little bit of shock I guess. I just want to go to sleep. I'm tired. It's a lot to take in."

Hunk: "We'll get through this. I'm sorry Steph. I love you."

Me: "I love you too. I'm too mean, I'll beat it. It has no idea who it's messin' with".. I giggle, but inside I was screaming WHY ME?!?

Hunk: chuckled and said "It has no idea. I love you"

We hung up and I rolled over and cried and thought about what the doctor in Los Angeles would say. Thought about my Rugrats growing up without their mom. Thought about my Hunk trying to raise all four of them alone. Then I thought about how young we are and that I was sure he would find another wife. Then I thought about how she better be good to my Rugrats and if she doesn't I will come haunt her and my Hunk for that matter. I made a mental note to tell him that.

I tried to close my eyes and rest. The Valium (or VOLUME as we like to now call it) helped with taking the edge off and I just was so mentally drained and still felt physically drained from the surgery.

My mom came back in to check on me. She said the nurse was telling her that she felt so sorry for my doctor.

Apparently, he had come to the nurses station and told them the news he needed to share with me. He told them how upset he was and then he left to come tell me. The nurse told my mom that my doctor got to my door and then came back to the nurses desk and told them he just can't do it, he thought he would just wait until the next day and tell me then.... Then he said he couldn't do that and he went to my room again. This happened a couple of times and he finally came in to tell me.

I knew the pain on his face was genuine when he was telling me the news. I'm so grateful for a doctor who cares so much. I think he may have need some Valium too.

We also talked about telling my sister. My mom, rightfully so, was concerned about telling my sister because she was sooooooooooo pregnant. We knew she had to be told. It wouldn't be right to keep that type of news from her. She is my only sibling and we are very close, it would hurt her so much to not be kept in the loop on something this important. My mom agreed to call her.

I wept for the painful news my sister was about to receive. I prayed that God keep his arms wrapped around her and the baby she was carrying. I can't imagine getting that news about my sister and I knew it would hurt her. I knew it would crush her. Just like it was crushing my mom, my dad, my Hunk and I didn't want to even think about my Rugrats.

My mom went back outside of the room to call her and I rested and prayed for my sister and for my Hunk and for my children and for the Cancer to have been a mistake.

Maybe the biopsy report wasn't really mine. Maybe the Uterus really belonged to someone else. It happens. They make mistakes.

Then I felt bad for the person who should have gotten the news..... then I went back to convincing myself to deal with the fact that I was that person...I was the person with .......gosh could I even think it....... I was the person with Cancer.... It doesn't just happen to other people.. it was happening to me...

To be continued...

My Cancer Story....Part 2

I could have never prepared myself for what he said next....

I looked at him waiting for him to tell me this news… Then I could tell he was very nervous. I thought "Wow, something doesn’t seem good, I wonder what happened.".... I started to feel worried for him.

Then he said “I'm sorry honey but I received the report back from the biopsy of your Uterus and they found a rare cancer. It is called Leiomyosarcoma and they found it in the lining of the Uterus.”

I just sat there looking at him. The first thing that came to mind was ...I knew I didn’t deserve it. I knew I didn’t deserve this wonderful life I have. Now I’m going to die. Now I’m not going to live to see my children grow, to see them graduate high school, to see them graduate college, to see them get married and have children. I’m not going to be able to grow old with my Hunk. All our plans to travel in retirement and sit in our rocking chairs and talk about the grandchildren, gone. And I won't be able to take my grandchildren to Disneyland. My poor children losing their mother, my poor Hunk we've been together since high school.... STOP Stephanie concentrate....

All my plans, GONE in one conversation.. This all went through my mind like a flash.

Then click I was back…..

I looked at my mom. She was sitting and looking at my doctor and I could see the fear on her face. Her mother, my grandmother, has passed away when I was one year old from cancer. I felt sorry for my mom at that moment. I looked back at him and tried to concentrate. I know I misssed part of what he was saying.

He was now talking about having done research on it all last night and that he already called an excellent doctor in Southern California who agreed to see me. He said it was a very aggressive cancer and it was rare so there wasn’t a lot of information out there. He assured me my best chance was to go to Southern California and meet with the oncologist there. He gave me his phone number and said he would be expecting my call. He was saying he had written a book and I don't really remember the rest....

Then he got up and came to my bedside.....he apologized to me….. He looked physically ill….. I felt so bad for him. Then I remembered our conversation in his office that day....where I told him I was afraid he would find cancer and he assured me I would be fine. Then I understood even more why he looked so upset. That couldn’t have helped.

He told me he was sorry again and that I would be in the best hands and he left.

My mom rushed to me and said “Honey I’m so sorry and she started started crying." I was a bit in shock at this point still…I wasn‘t crying, wasn‘t really saying or doing anything, just trying to let it all soak in.... Though my eyes are tearing up as I type this, remembering my mom’s pain…. I can’t imagine being told my daughter has cancer.

The nurse came in and said that my doctor had asked her to give me some Valium and asked if I was okay or would I like some. My mom was now pacing around my bed and crying. I told the nurse I wasn’t sure that I needed it.

My mom starts almost yelling “No she is not ok!, She always does this! This is what she does! She holds everything in! Stephanie you always do this! You need to let it out!”. I was thinking....... mom needs the Valium, I think that is clear to everyone in this room....

I said “Mom, I’m fine…….please just stop. I’m just trying to let it all sink in”... I didn't have the energy to comfort her. I wish I did, even then I wish I could, I just couldn't.

I took the Valium and wanted to just lay back and be alone. I wanted to close my eyes and fall asleep....wake up and find out it was all a bad dream.........I needed to call Hunk and tell him the news. I knew he would be on the bid walk or at least on his way. I dreaded this call.

My mom stepped outside. She wanted to give me some room to be alone while calling Hunk and I think she wanted to have some time to herself also...... I can only imagine.....

I picked up the phone to call Hunk. The Valium was starting to kick in, I could feel myself relaxing a bit. I still hadn’t cried.

I dialed.....Ring….. Ring….

Hunk: "Well, Hello there Dear!" (gotta love caller id) oh man, he is so chipper, how can I tell him?...

Me: "Hi, Honey"…. oh gosh, how am I going to say this? My mind is racing...

Hunk: "Well, you sound much better this morning, is your pain starting to go away?"

Me: "The doctor came in this morning, he gave me some "VOLUME"..."….. I guess the “Valium” was working I couldn’t even pronounce it right …

Hunk: "VOLUME, Huh?……Sounds like it's working..... and he chuckled…"

Now I’m thinking.... listen to that chuckle….. How much longer will I be around to hear that chuckle? Maybe now isn’t a good time to tell him……maybe I should wait until he is back at the hospital tonight….. What do I say?... I have to tell him....

Me: "The doctor came in and said he got the biopsy report back"

Hunk: "Oh ya, how did that go?" He didn't sound AS chipper.....a tinge of concern that I brough this up..I imagine...

Me: "Well, I guess they found……and I burst into tears…."

To be Continued…..

My Cancer Story~ part 1

I had problems with my menses ever since my first one....which wasn't until my sophomore year in high school!

When I was in high school I had one that never stopped.......at least not until I passed out and had an ambulance ride to the hospital. I had lost 50% of my blood and had IV's in both arms. The hospital said if I had waited two more hours I wouldn't be alive...I was turning 16 years old in just a few days.....

Not what every girl dreams of when she thinks "Sweet 16". But that's a whole other story.

So when I started having very heavy and very often bleeding, so much so that I had no energy I didn't think too much of it.... my menses had never been normal ....at least I didn't WANT to think much of it... but down deep I knew I better go in. After trying many different things with my doctor nothing seemed to be helping.


My mother and my little sister went with me to my Doctor appointment to decide what we needed to do. Now my little sister was VERY pregnant with her first child (Yea!!) and I couldn't wait to be right there in that delivery room with her while my precious nephew was born! I had dreamed of this day! Watching my only sibling become a momma.....


When I spoke with my doctor he let me know that I was hemorrhaging each month and that I needed to have a hysterectomy and it needed to be very soon. I told him my sister was going to have a baby and I wanted to wait. .....Lets just say the look on his face wasn't one of approval.


He gave me an option of a DNC now with a hysterectomy to follow in a month.... That didn't sound fun to me....... but he would not back down from the hysterectomy and really strongly advised I do it asap.


After much anguish (and tears) over possibly not being 100% when it came time for my nephew to be born, I chose to go ahead with they hysterectomy.


He said my Uterus was up to high to do the hysterectomy vaginally, my uterus was too large to do the surgery laparoscopically so it would need to be done through the traditional abdominal incision...


I told him I was afraid to have the surgery. I told him my grandmother passed away of cancer, my mom had brain tumor and I was afraid of what he would find. If you've been reading my blog long you know I have diarrhea of the mouth moments when I'm nervous, embarrassed or well.......often.... this was definitely one of those times.

He said "Now honey, calm down, I do these all the time. There is always the possibility but we have no reason to think we will find anything. You have nothing to worry about ,you will be just fine." not knowing that later he would have to eat those words.......

When I came back to the waiting room with the options and shared them with my mom and big ol' prego sister they both agreed and my sister flat out insisted that I do the hysterectomy ASAP. They felt that was more important than being 100% at my nephews birth and hopefully I would recover quickly and still be able to be in the birthing room.


So I scheduled it.

The whole famdamily showed up for the surgery (that's how we do things, and it usually includes lunch or dinner at a restaurant that is known to the entire family as where we eat when someone is in the hospital........yes, even then it is all about the food....just kidding......well, kind of) and everything with the surgery seemed to go well.

I was in a lot of pain after the surgery and I'm still not sure why. I've had surgeries before and I'm typically a pretty tough cookie. This one knocked my socks off for some reason.

My Hunk sat there next to my bed and would push my pain button for me (when the time would allow) so I could continue to try sleep..... now I know you aren't supposed to do this and the nurses would have flipped a lid......but I was never so grateful....and they couldn't take listening to me moan in pain....

I slept that night and the next day the nurses came in and asked that I get up and walk. I tried to get up and it was awful........ I hurt sooo bad....she got a tad bit snippety with me and explained I had to get up. I was trying to let her know how much pain I was in, that it didn't seem like I should have that much pain....I understood the importance of getting up, I wasn't arguing that point at all, I just didn't understand why the pain was so strong...

Well, though most nurses I have encountered have been wonderful ....lets just say she wasn't one of them....... Now she doesn't know me, so she may think I'm just a wimp, I tried to explain I have high pain tolerance normally.... I'm not convinced she gave a rip...in fact I'm quite sure she did NOT..

Lets just say, I'm usually very nice to all hospital staff and very appreciative for what they do........as for me and the "nurse Nazi"......lets just say we didn't part as friends.......

My doctor came in that evening to let me know that surgery went well. He wasn't sure why I was having so much pain but said everything looked good. My uterus was very large (as we knew before surgery) and after surgery it was sent in for a routine biopsy.... but he felt overall everything went great... He told me to have a great night and he left.

I let out a Sighhhhhhhhhhh.... What a relief, everything went good, I'm not sure why there is so much pain but at least they didn't see any cancer..... I was so afraid they would.

In fact I was once of these people who had already had in their mind that I would either die from a car accident or cancer. I know I got these ideas because in high school one of my best friends was killed by a drunk driver and as I mentioned my grandmother had cancer (and passed away when I was only 1 year old) and my mother had a brain tumor when I was about 5 years old, thankfully her surgery to remove it was successful and it has never returned.

But I also for some reason had this sense of wonder about how I had such a great life. I never understood why, for some reason I always felt that I didn't deserve to have such a blessed life.

Then one day I was driving home from dropping my Rugrats off to school and I was thinking how wonderful my life is, how lucky I am to have everything we have and then came the thought of me not deserving to have so much.....and BLAM this feeling overtook me that said "YES YOU DO, WHY DON'T YOU?" And I answered (myself..of course...lol) "You are right! Why not me? Why don't I? I haven't done anything wrong to not deserve it, why don't I deserve it."

That is a day that sticks out in my mind to this day. It was one of the moments that Dr. Phil and Oprah talk about, a defining moment in our lives. I had been overweight (shock and awe moment) and after that day I started dropping weight without even trying. I wasn't stuffing food in my pie hole when I wasn't hungry anymore, I started walking with my Hunk each night after dinner.... I was feeling alive and worthy of all the joys I had in my life...... I'm telling you about this day because it's important in your being able to understand my reaction when I got "the news".....

After this news from the doctor that everything went well my Hunk and I talked and decided that he really needed to get back to work the next day. There were some important job walks for jobs we really would like to get.... I was going to be fine, everything was looking good.....so instead of coming to the hospital that next day, he went to work.

My mom, however, had stayed the night in the hospital with me. She said she wanted to stay with me to help me during the night......But......I think she was afraid my favorite nurse would be on staff that night and she didn't want to get a call in the middle of the night from the hospital saying that her daughter attacked a nurse on duty and needed to be picked up.

Whatever the reason I was glad she was there...

The next morning the Doctor came in and walked to the sofa in my room. He sat down, looked up and said "Honey, I just received the strangest news"........

I thought he was going to tell me a story about another patient of his.........or maybe that he had saved a bunch of money by switching his insurance to Geico...

I could have never prepared myself for what he said next....

To be continued....



Ciao Bellas~

The story of my life with Cancer......coming soon to a theater near you......KIDDING...coming soon to Mommas Soabpox...

I've been asked by several people in the past to share my story about being diagnosed with cancer.

How I found out, what treatment I had, how I handled it, etc....

It has been on my heart lately more than ever and after an email this morning I think I'm ready to share.... in some weird way I think I need to share.....

I want to have my story on paper for my children to have. I want to comfort even one person who is going through the same thing.....

I don't intend to provide medical information or medical advise to others. I am not a doctor (though I wouldn't mind the paycheck of one) I am a survivor.

I simply want to share "MY STORY".......

Share how being a mother to four children, running a family business with your husband, your only sister getting ready to give birth to her first child anyday and then finding out that you have a rare and agressive cancer has effected me and how I live my life.

How family and friends stepped in and helped in my time of need. How my Hunk proved to me over and over during this journey that he meant for better or worse when we said our vows. Yes, even when I was bald.

I plan to share a story that is very very personal and is very real to me. A story that has changed me forever.

I never knew it was possible to feel so terrible and live to tell about it. On the other hand......The tree's have never looked more beautiful, the sky never looked so blue and my family and friends have never seemed more important and cherished.

I'm changed forever..... and it's not all been bad....... I'm survivor!.....

Ciao Bellas~