What I really wanted was to hug my children and never ever let go........in fact, that is what I planned to do as soon as they got home from school............
We got ready and went to the church for the funeral services. I still couldn't believe that she had passed. I couldn't believe I was going to have to tell my Rugrats I had cancer right after they found out that a family member passed away due to cancer.
Life isn't always easy, is it?
There were more people at the service than I expected. I thought they were keeping it small. It was very nice. Parts of it are a blur to me but I remember a slide show they had set to music. It had lots of fun photos of her when she was healthy and happy. Many of family times like camping trips we had all taken together. Many with her beautiful daughter. Then there were photos of her during her chemo and it broke my heart. It broke my heart for her and it broke my heart to see what I was about to go through. What my family was about to go through.
After the church service there was a luncheon immediately following and we ended up sitting with Hunks cousins. His cousin was talking about how her son had a spot on his back that she was having checked out. How being at the funeral was making her more worried about the spot. What if it was cancer, etc. Everyone was talking about how awful cancer is and how much time she spent going through chemo.
At this point Hunk and I were just nodding and smiling and agreeing. Having them not know that I was sitting there "with cancer" was beginning to be difficult but I still think it wasn't the time to share that news. Not at the funeral. We were going through the motions. Hunk would reach down and squeeze my knee from time to time or lean over and give me a kiss. His way of saying "hang in there, I'm sorry".
We made it through the service and after we went to a restaurant that Hunks Aunt used to love to go to. She loved to go there and order Lemon Drop Martini's. Hunk and I thought it would be nice for the two of us to have a little alone time before heading back home to the Rugrats and figured "toasting" his Aunt with her favorite drink would be the best way to end the day....
We ordered our drinks, we sniffed here and there as we talked about the service and we laughed as we talked about fun memories we had with her.
We also talked about the fact that I was going to need to hire help in our office. (at this time I was doing all of the office work myself) I decided to put an ad in the paper and start looking for someone to train right away. I didn't have much time and was hoping I'd find someone good and quickly. Our office was attached to our home and with four Rugrats running around there I was afraid I'd have a hard time finding the right person.
We came home in time to play "monopoly" with the Rugrats and then put them to bed.
We decided to go to bed early ourselves. Tomorrow was going to be a loooong day. I needed to get the ad in the paper for office help and we needed to pack because we were going to be leaving in a couple days to go visit my Oncologist visit in Southern California.
The fact the I have an oncologist still sometimes takes my breath away....
To be continued........
Thursday, November 12, 2009
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Hi cous, I am in a blur too reading this, this just PROVES how strong you are, there are so many that would have gone to bed and put the covers over thier head and given up, but not you, you were/are strong willed and put your chin up and faced the world, and a funeral for a family member with cancer HAD to be brutal, but you got through it with HUNK and that is EXACTLY why you have so far beaten and and will continue! You're such an inspiration, I hope all who read then at least know you and if not they NEED to know you, you might have to make a personal appearance after this LOL keep on writing cous, its a wonderful way of expressing yourself, I hope its helping you and not dreadging up all those memories, because we are all in awe of you for doing it for US. Love ya lots cous!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a difficult time for you and Hunk. You are amazing ... you kept the focus on the memorial and not on you ,,, how hard must that have been! And even harder still to see the effects of cancer and its treatments and its complications staring at you like a big crystal ball showing you the future of things yet to come.
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration.
Oh my goodness, that must have been hard. You are so brave. Take care of yourself and love up your "rugrats."
ReplyDeleteYou are one strong mama, brave beyond brave. Much love to you!
ReplyDeleteLoved the way your Hunk tried to comfort you during all the cancer talk at the funeral...
ReplyDeleteI will admit that was a very difficult day for me. It was hard to not think that it would be my photos being shown to music and my family sitting and watching. In fact and I had a back up plan in my mind of music I wanted to play, etc...... Just in case the BUTT kicking I was about to give the big "C" word wasn't enough.
ReplyDeleteI never could have made it without my Hunk. He proved he meant our "In sickness and in Health" vows and continues to prove all the other vows.... I am so blessed to have a man with his character and values...a man of integrity...
What seems to be a curse also was a time when so much loves was shown to me by family and friends. A love I will never ever ever ever.....ok, you get the point.....love I'll never forget.
And trust me I'll never forget the support I get from each and everyone of you as I tell my story here on my blog.
I love you my bellas!!
Holding all that in and being strong for those around you shows what kind of person you are. Although it wasn't easy, it was necessary. I would have done the same. But after....after I got in the car and headed home....there would have been no holding back. The tears would have flowed like a river. Releasing all the worry and stress with each drop.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know that man of yours would have helped you pick up the pieces and put you back together before you returned home.
Thank you twisted! (((hugs)))
ReplyDelete