Sunday, November 1, 2009
I wanted to barf.........and I hadn't even started chemo yet.....
Hunk went with me to my follow up visit (for the hysterectomy) and to talk to my doctor again before I headed to Southern California to see the oncologist.
To say I was nervous would be a MAJOR understatement. I felt like I was holding it together pretty well though considering.
I came to the appointment with my list of questions that I assumed he wouldn't have the answers too. But I thought I would ask anyway. Especially the one major question on my mind.
The question that kept me up at night. The question that made ME QUESTION if they even had my diagnosis correct. I wanted to believe so badly that they didn't. This one big thing that stood out to me as an error gave me "almost hope" that there could be another large error. Though even as those thoughts whispered around in my head down deep I doubted they had.
We were taken back rather quickly upon arriving for my appointment and we didn't have to wait long in the waiting room either. I didn't mind that part at all!
My Doctor entered:
Dr: "Hi Honey, How are you today?"
Momma: "Hello, I'm doing okay I guess...attempted grin... I'm a little sore still, but okay"
Dr: "Well, lets take a look"
He checked everything out, felt I was healing nicely and then I sat back up..... (I don't know why I get so nervous every time I have to lay down on one of those beds.....I don't think that ever goes away)...
I pulled out my WAD of papers and my list of questions. I started asking him my #1 question.
Momma: "According to what I've found online it shows that with a mitotic count as high as mine that there is no way it could be "Low Grade" cancer.
Dr: "Now honey, you need to speak with your oncologist about this. But I'm sure it is low grade. That mitotic count doesn't sound that high. You need to stay off of the computer and stop scaring yourself"
So in other words, I hate to tell you "I have no idea."......So ONCE AGAIN I will suggest you talk to the oncologist and I will try to calm you and tell you that it doesn't SOUND high. I did love him but I knew myself and I knew wouldn't stop researching...
We came home and Hunk went back to try to get some work done while I rested.
I couldn't rest so I got up and walked down to the desk in our office. I tried to call Hunk's Aunt (well she was no longer married to his uncle but we still considered her an aunt) that I hadn't spoken to in far too long. The one I told you about in the beginning of my story. The one who had kicked cancers butt and was getting better. The one that would understand EXACTLY what I'm going through.
I called her home, no answer. I figured I would try again later.
My mother in law called (who did not know about my results......we had not shared with anyone who had not come to the hospital, yet).... I was telling her that I was trying to reach "C". She said "Oh, she is in a cancer treatment place in Southern California, she isn't doing well".
I felt like I had been punched in the gut.
I called Hunk and he agreed that we will get in touch with her and go down and visit on our way to my oncologist appointment.
I called Hunk's uncle, to confirm the information and get her room #, etc. When he answers I let him know I'm trying to get in touch with "C" and that I had been told her cancer returned and she was in a Southern California treatment center.
Uncle: "No, she was not in Southern California, she was here in town."
Momma: "Oh, WAS? So is she home now?"
Uncle: "No, she passed away last night. Her funeral is in a couple days. I'm sorry I hadn't called yet"
Momma: "Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, ok..ummmm....ok.....Ok, we will be there."
He asked that I not tell a lot of people and he was trying to keep it from being too large. Wanted it to be simple.
I hung up and cried. I cried that I hadn't called her sooner. I cried because her cancer came back and she couldn't fight it off. I cried because my children would have just lost a family member to cancer before finding out their Momma has cancer. I cried for Hunk's little cousin who was still in school, so young. I cried for "C" that she would miss all the things that her daughter would be experiencing. I know she is watching over her and missing nothing, but she wouldn't be here on earth with her. I cried because I would miss her, many many people would miss her.
I dropped to my knees right there on my office floor and I prayed, more of a BEG. I prayed for "C"'s daughter and family. I prayed for the wisdom to know how and when to tell my children and I prayed for my family. My father has been dealing with his own rare heart disease illness and my mother having lost her own mother to cancer. And now for them to have to deal with their child being diagnosed with such an evil disease. I prayed for my Hunk, my rock. I just prayed.
When I pulled myself together (because I tried not to cry in front of anyone, I wanted to be strong. I wanted to pretend I had it all under control. I didn't want to cause more stress on anyone) I called Hunk and let him know what I had found out.
It broke my heart to tell him.
We decided it was still right to not tell anyone about my diagnosis. We had intended to wait until my Oncologist visit when we had more information and we felt we still wanted to do just that. I definitely wasn't announcing it at the funeral to family members. This was a day to both morn the loss of and celebrate the life of "C". And that is exactly what I planned to do.
I felt like my world was crumbling around me. And I wondered what I was supposed to be learning from this experience. I'm a strong believer in learning from things that happen in our lives. I wanted to learn this lesson and move on quickly......
What I really wanted was to hug my children and never ever let go........in fact, that is what I planned to do as soon as they got home from school.
To be continued........
Posted by Stephanie at 7:24 AM