Saturday, January 30, 2010


I couldn't sleep so I pulled out my lap top and I typed a letter to Hunk. A letter I still have. A letter he will keep forever. It was a letter from my heart and somehow I felt a little better after writing it. (you can read part 10 of my cancer story HERE)

I wasn't sure when I would give him the letter. I wanted to wait for the perfect time.

The time at the cabin seemed to go by so quickly. As it did every year. Never enough time to spend with our family. It was so nice to have everyone there. It was always a time we enjoyed laughing together, telling old stories from our pasts (that we have all heard a million and one times, but still LOVE to tell and hear again)....

It was a time to take the rugrats out sledding, have snowball fights and build a snowman. This year was not different in that respect. We still wanted and did all of those things, plus we (yes Hunk there is a mouse in my pocket) were "adding on" to our home by completing our basement. We were turning it in to a play/family room with steps down to a jacuzzi area with a fireplace and big windows and sliding glass door that looked out at Shaver Lake.

It was such an exciting time for us and such a heartbreaking time all at once. I was taking it all in. Every funny thing someone said, every hug a rugrat gave me, the way people laughed, the way my adorable baby nephew smelled. It's engraved in my mind forever. I had to soak it all up and hold on to it forever because the reality was that this could be my last Christmas with my family.

There are no taking any days for granted. This should be true for all of us. We don't know when our time here on earth is through. It's easy to step away and not think about this, and we do NOT want to dwell on it, but I think we should be aware and live our lives to the fullest.

After leaving the cabin there wasn't much time before I needed to head down south to see my Oncologist. He wanted me to come early and see him before the surgery. My mom went down with me. We wanted to take this time to have a "Mother daughter trip". She wanted to make this trip as fun for me as possible. I loved her so much for doing this for me and inside my heart was breaking for her too. I can't imagine this happening to my daughter.

It made me so mad that cancer had such power over my family. I did not want to let it eat away at our family like it was trying to do to my body. My parents shouldn't have to lose a child, my sister shouldn't have to lose her only sibling, my husband shouldn't have to lose his wife and my children definitely shouldn't have to lose their mother.

I hated this nasty dragon and I had to slay it. There were times I felt confident and there were times I was down on my knees begging God to stay with me as there was no way I could do this alone. I would feel him there and the tension would start to fade and I could again absorb all that was around me.

I vowed that if I made it I was going to do things that were more important. I would keep help in the office, as long as we were financially able, and I would do more with the rugrats. Not that I didn't do a lot already but it just felt like it wasn't enough.

My youngest son loved putting on shows for us and making us laugh. We always called him our little "Jim Carrey". I had a friend whose daughter was pursuing acting. I decided WHEN I got better I would see if I could meet with her manager and see if my son had any possibility of pursuing acting. I hadn't looked into it before, even though I knew he would love it, because even though we live in California most of the auditions would be in Los Angeles/Hollywood area which is a good 3 hours away. I was now looking forward to spending 3 hours in the car with my Rugrat, if this would make him happy. I could give up 8 hours out of my day to help him pursue a dream.

Many days were spent thinking of what I would change if I had it to do all over again. I just prayed that I would be given that chance.

I didn't give Hunk the letter until after my surgery but I thought I'd share it with you now.

As I lay up in our bed in our Christmas vacation home and I listen to my children and family laugh and talk......... below is the letter I typed on my laptop computer, to the love of my life.......


We decided not to exchange Christmas gifts this year due to the BIG gift we are doing for each other already (the basement). Which I know is more for me than you…But I wanted to write you a letter. It has been such a difficult time for me (and I know for you too) lately and I don’t know how I could make it without you. The thought of facing this alone I can’t even imagine. You are always there when I need to talk and when I don’t feel like talking. You push me back to positive when I start getting negative, yet you don’t make me feel like I’m ridiculous for being negative at times. I fell for you from the moment I met you at Linda’s house. I’m so glad Cindy dialed your number and gave me the phone. I regret every time I did something that hurt your feelings and I wish I could do anything to take each and every one of those times back. Our marriage has grown stronger and stronger over the years. When I look at you I still think you are soooo handsome. I always tell people you are a good catch. With each year I never think I could love you more than I already do, and every year I love you even more. I can’t imagine a life that didn’t have you as my husband. You treat me like a queen. I will be the first one to admit that I am spoiled rotten by you. There comes a point in a marriage that you don’t feel like you are completely your own person anymore. I feel like we are one and when we are not together I feel like a part of me is missing, I guess that part would be my heart.

I can be a pretty stubborn and strong headed person (as you know more than most) and I am going to do everything I can to beat this cancer. I refuse no matter what bad news MAY come my way to just lie down and give up. I have you and our four beautiful children and that is not an option. But on the completely realistic side I know there are several tough people who feel the same way I do, and I think they make it a lot longer than the rest (if not beat it all together) but like your Aunt Chris who gave it her all and didn’t make it. IF that should happen to me I want you to know that you are and always will be my soul mate, my one true love and you have made my life complete. You are a wonderful husband and my gosh, couldn’t ask for a better father. The love you show our kids in how you help to raise them just melts my heart and makes me love you more each day. IF somehow I don’t make it through all of this I am thankful for all the years we have had together and I would want you to always remember what an amazing husband you have been and know that I will never really be gone I’ll be making sure we have a wonderful home waiting when you all join me. All that being said I don’t plan to go anywhere…. I will win this and get off this roller coaster ride. I’m holding tight to the clear scans I had and the aggressive treatment they will be giving me. And who knows I may look hot as a bald chick.

Thanks for all your love and support not just now but over the years.

You are my love, my strength and have my whole heart forever.


To be continued.....


  1. What a thing to go through at such a young age especially with your husband and children and your mom.
    Your story touches my heart and I admire your convictions and strength at this most difficult time for you, Steph.
    The letter to Mike brought tears to my eyes.

  2. Tears are all I have. It's a lovely letter that you wrote to hunk. :-) I love you sissy!

  3. Can't imagine what it would be like to be living through what you thought might be your last Christmas with your family, but you captured in beautifully...

  4. You said it all when you said this: "There are no taking any days for granted. This should be true for all of us... we should be aware and live our lives to the fullest." Amen, that's all that's necessary! Amazing and super touching post today. I'm gonna go kiss Alpha Hubby and make sure he knows how much I love him.

  5. I love you cous! more then you will EVER know.

  6. Aaaand... now I'm crying. Bawling. It's friggin' Niagara Falls!

    Steph, what a beautiful letter from one beautiful soul to another. No wonder he kept it. He'll want to be buried with it! :)

  7. I really like where you say not to take a moment for granted -- so true and yet so often forgotten.

  8. Am now officially your follower. I need to hear the end of this story. Your amazing!

  9. Thank you all so much for your support. Sorry sometimes there is a gap in my posting of my cancer story. Sometime the writing comes easily to me and other times it's a bit more difficult. Your support means more to me than I can express.

    Anna- Hunk thanks you for the idea of being burried with my letter. ;) I think he needs to write me one now! lol

  10. If your tears fell as you wrote that letter, like mine fell as I read it, I sure hope it didn't short out the laptop.
    BEAUTIFUL!! I cannot imagine how hard all that had to be on you.

  11. Thanks for the love Twisted Girl! It was hard on all of us. Writing that letter was very important to me. I wanted to make sure he 100% understood how much I loved him and knew that I couldn't have asked for a better husband or father. That was so important to me.