You guessed it!...... My little sister was in labor and headed to the hospital.
I hung up the phone and went into the bedroom where my mother was sleeping. I walked in just as she was laying her head down on the pillow.
I said "Mom, guess who is in labor and on her way to the hospital?"
She lifted her head back up off of the pillow, grabbed her clothes, she had just taken off and changed OUT of her pajamas back INTO her clothes......
Her and my dad headed out of town to the hospital, about an hour and 15 minute drive from my home, to meet up with my little sister and her hubby.
I went to go lay back down and I kept going between excited for my sister, to sad for me...... I had looked soooooooooooo forward to this day, and now I couldn't be there.
I kept thinking of how I might not see him grow up. How he might not ever know who I am. I planned to be the best Auntie I could be to him and now that may not happen. I may not have that chance.
Why God, why me?....... this was a question I asked here and there but I knew God hadn't done this TO me...... and what I needed was to rely on him to be with me through this..I couldn't do it alone.....I did know that much.......
I laid in Hunks arms that night and cried myself to sleep..... crying myself to sleep was not a habit I would allow myself to get into...... I needed to be strong...
When my nephew was born (the next day) my brother in law called me and he took a photo of my nephew and sent it to me. So though I wasn't there I was the first person he called and I was the first person "not there" to see a photo of him.
I will never forget that. I love my brother in law so much. He is not an "in law" to me. He is my brother....... I call him my brother from another mother.....and I say it to be silly but the truth is, I mean it.
And I must say... my nephew was (and still is) adorable.... HUGE....but adorable. He is a blessing that came out of one of the worst times in my life. He gave me reason to smile...
I couldn't wait to see him in person. To love, hug and kiss on him.....
I ,OF COURSE, got online the next day and immediately started surfing the web for information on Leiomyosarcoma.... BAD IDEA..... kind of......
I did find a support group online and a lot of information. A lot of the information I found was about how there isn't much information. But I found enough information to know that what I was dealing with was very serious.
I also found enough information to know that according to the reports I held in my hand, the GRADE that was assigned to my cancer was WRONG..... The mitotic count was VERY HIGH in my report and that was not equal to LOW GRADE as I was told.....
I started freaking out.... I thought, well if they got this wrong then what else is wrong......maybe it isn't even Leiomyosarcoma. Maybe it's something else. Maybe it's a different type of cancer. One with better odds.
OR maybe it's not a cancer at all. My gosh, do these people know what they are doing? I found this out online..... Who is doing the biopsies??.... Oh I think I'm going to faint...... I need to calm down....... I need......I need to turn this computer off. .....
But I couldn't......
I needed to make notes to take with me to my check up (for the hysterectomy) visit with my doctor. I would ask him about the mitotic count. He's not an oncologist, but maybe he will have answers.........
He referred me to a doctor in Southern California because Leiomyosarcoma is so rare that there are not any doctors prepared to work with me here........but still.....maybe he will know.
I don't think I can wait for answers until I get to Los Angeles.....maybe I should do more research....... my mind is spinning......I don't think this is really happening to me...... this happens to other people......... not to me......
How many times did I have to convince myself it was happening to me?
Ok, make notes Stephanie and then let it go.........deep breaths....... the kids will be home from school soon.
So I printed off a 5,968 pages of information and I turned off the computer and I made my notes...... I was as prepared as I could be for my doctor visit...
I wanted to barf.........and I hadn't even started chemo yet.....
To be continued........
Monday, October 26, 2009
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I thought the same thing when Andrew was born. He was what kept me from completely falling apart after your diagnosis. At first I wished I wasn't pregnant and I thought it was the worst timing ever because I just wanted to be able to be with you. He was a blessing.
ReplyDeleteI also knew if anything happened to you he would absolutely know who his Auntie is and how much she loved him.
Now here he is obsessed with his Auntie and you are his "best girl."
xoxo
I agree with Tami, you ARE the "best girl" and researching all that, now looking back, was probably the best thing you could have done to arm yourself with all the info you could have, when facing all the dr's. And to this day, it crackes me up that YOU get your scans and read them before Dr Hackett! LOL NOT FUNNY but it just proves that you are a strong person and will continue to be!! Most of us would dread even going to get the results and have them read to! and here you are reading THEM TO the Dr. I can just see Dr. Hacketts face! You have amazed all the Dr's and US as your family! I have no doubt that you will continue to amaze us with ALL you do!, sorry about not feeling well today, er............maybe its that empty plate of donuts?????? hahahahahah
ReplyDeleteAnd Tami, just think, Andrew WAS and IS one of many reasons that you got through all this with Steph and he IS trully a GIFT and was givin to you JUST at the right time in your life! LOVE TO ALL! and Stephs right, cancer SHOULD be a four letter word! I know this family has had quite ENOUGH of it God! I can't begin to tell you how many family and friends of ours have been stricken with this ugly disease! some days I just cry and cry and all the loved ones we have had to watch go through it and it's so not fair, they say there are reasons for everything and some things we are just not supposed to know the answers for but in Stephs case, she is a strong, beautiful gifted person and has made this world such a better place with her in it! ok, better stop or I will have a cry day!! lol love you both so much and these blogs help me so much! thanks to both of you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI continue to be riveted with this story - thank you for telling it.
ReplyDelete♥ You printed off that many pages!!! I would have been googling it too!!! Well and freaking out!
ReplyDeleteSteph, I don't think I ever realized just how close to Andrew's birth it was when you got the news. I'm so glad you are writing and telling your story. I find myself laughing and crying all at once as I read this. I miss you so much and am sending hugs your way. Love ya.
ReplyDeleteWow...a truly compelling story and you tell it well! I look forward to the next installment. Thank you for sharing such a personal but empowering story!
ReplyDeleteMindy
www.thesuburbanlife.com
Thank you so much for all your support.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why that commercial where that guy is trying to steal the other guys beer came to mind when I was posting this comment but it must be said.....
"I love you man!"
It has really brought tears to my eyes as I read this. Having two special people in my life who have gone through such trials as cancer is such a hard thing! You are so strong! I so remember the many people in my community who were praying for you. It will always be embedded in my mind. I am so proud of you!
ReplyDelete