MY CANCER STORY~ Part 4

it was happening to me......

I closed my eyes again........ it wouldn't go away... no matter how hard I tried it wouldn't leave my mind.

My hospital room door opened. It was one of my best friends. We have been friends since high school. We are always there for each other. I hadn't even called her yet. Oh man, how was I going to tell her.

Friend: "Hey, Steph, How are you?" I was trying to read the look on her face, was she looking so sympathetic because of my surgery or was it because my mom had already told her about the cancer...

Me: "I'm ok. I got some not so good news this morning"

Friend: "Ya, your mom told me outside before I came in "

Me: "ya...... they gave me Valium, so I'm a bit out of it".. I tried to grin...

Friend: forces a chuckle and says "I can tell.... I'm so sorry Steph. I just can't believe it."

Me: "Ya, me either......crazy day......"...... I smiled at her....a smile I would end up using a lot. A smile that TRIED to say "I'm good, don't worry about me."

We wiped the tears from our eyes and she gave me a big hug and whipped out a gift she had brought for me. She always comes baring gifts. Always thinking of things that I would like.

She stayed and visited for a bit and then left me to rest.

I think she could tell I didn't have the energy to visit.

As much as I love her and as much as I we do anything for our non-children visiting time..... I didn't have the energy...

I could only keep the smile on my face for so long....It was so tiring trying to pretend, not just to everyone else, but also to myself.....that I was handling it all.

My mom came back in to check on me and then I did what I didn't think I would be able to do ever again..... I fell asleep. I've never been more grateful for sleep.....

When I woke up I had a room full of people. My parents, Hunk, my little sister and her hubby were all there to visit.

My poor sister, she was ready to P-O-P.....Pop..... That big ol' prego belly. Literally due any day.

The doctor came in and let me know that I would be released to go home the next day.
Once I could travel, I'd be heading to Southern California to see my oncologist. It was so hard to wrap my head around the fact that I had an oncologist....

My Hunk stayed the night in the hospital with me that night and we agreed that we would wait to tell the Rugrats until we knew exactly what we were dealing with. I didn't want to scare them.

I really didn't want to tell them at all. In fact, I didn't want to tell ANYONE. Maybe if I didn't tell anyone it would go away.

We talked about my Hunks Aunt Chris who had been fighting cancer and how strange it felt to now have it myself. I always felt so terrible for her and would try to imagine myself in her shoes. I thought I could imagine how she must have felt. Until now, I didn't realize how much I really had no idea just how she felt.

We hadn't talked in awhile but I cared a lot about her and because I knew she would understand 100% how I felt, I wanted to call her. I decided when I got home I would do just that.....She would be the one person I would share this with.

Hunk and I tried to get some sleep and that night I was still in a bit of a fog. It somehow felt like it wasn't real.

It was happening and I knew that but I was distancing myself from it in a way. I kept focusing on how it was effecting other people. I guess I thought if I worried about everyone else then they wouldn't have to worry about me...... "I" wouldn't have to worry about me.

I didn't get checked out of the hospital and back home until late that next evening.

My parents were staying the night with us and we were all exhausted. It had been a very long and very emotional last few days for all of us.

Once we got home we sat and talked for only a few minutes and then decided we all really needed to go to bed.

We said goodnight and were headed to our bedrooms for the night.

As soon as we got our PJ's on and were ready to lay down...... the phone rang......

You guessed it!...... My little sister was in labor and headed to the hospital.

To be continued......