Friday, October 23, 2009


it was happening to me......

I closed my eyes again........ it wouldn't go away... no matter how hard I tried it wouldn't leave my mind.

My hospital room door opened. It was one of my best friends. We have been friends since high school. We are always there for each other. I hadn't even called her yet. Oh man, how was I going to tell her.

Friend: "Hey, Steph, How are you?" I was trying to read the look on her face, was she looking so sympathetic because of my surgery or was it because my mom had already told her about the cancer...

Me: "I'm ok. I got some not so good news this morning"

Friend: "Ya, your mom told me outside before I came in "

Me: "ya...... they gave me Valium, so I'm a bit out of it".. I tried to grin...

Friend: forces a chuckle and says "I can tell.... I'm so sorry Steph. I just can't believe it."

Me: "Ya, me either......crazy day......"...... I smiled at her....a smile I would end up using a lot. A smile that TRIED to say "I'm good, don't worry about me."

We wiped the tears from our eyes and she gave me a big hug and whipped out a gift she had brought for me. She always comes baring gifts. Always thinking of things that I would like.

She stayed and visited for a bit and then left me to rest.

I think she could tell I didn't have the energy to visit.

As much as I love her and as much as I we do anything for our non-children visiting time..... I didn't have the energy...

I could only keep the smile on my face for so long....It was so tiring trying to pretend, not just to everyone else, but also to myself.....that I was handling it all.

My mom came back in to check on me and then I did what I didn't think I would be able to do ever again..... I fell asleep. I've never been more grateful for sleep.....

When I woke up I had a room full of people. My parents, Hunk, my little sister and her hubby were all there to visit.

My poor sister, she was ready to P-O-P.....Pop..... That big ol' prego belly. Literally due any day.

The doctor came in and let me know that I would be released to go home the next day.
Once I could travel, I'd be heading to Southern California to see my oncologist. It was so hard to wrap my head around the fact that I had an oncologist....

My Hunk stayed the night in the hospital with me that night and we agreed that we would wait to tell the Rugrats until we knew exactly what we were dealing with. I didn't want to scare them.

I really didn't want to tell them at all. In fact, I didn't want to tell ANYONE. Maybe if I didn't tell anyone it would go away.

We talked about my Hunks Aunt Chris who had been fighting cancer and how strange it felt to now have it myself. I always felt so terrible for her and would try to imagine myself in her shoes. I thought I could imagine how she must have felt. Until now, I didn't realize how much I really had no idea just how she felt.

We hadn't talked in awhile but I cared a lot about her and because I knew she would understand 100% how I felt, I wanted to call her. I decided when I got home I would do just that.....She would be the one person I would share this with.

Hunk and I tried to get some sleep and that night I was still in a bit of a fog. It somehow felt like it wasn't real.

It was happening and I knew that but I was distancing myself from it in a way. I kept focusing on how it was effecting other people. I guess I thought if I worried about everyone else then they wouldn't have to worry about me...... "I" wouldn't have to worry about me.

I didn't get checked out of the hospital and back home until late that next evening.

My parents were staying the night with us and we were all exhausted. It had been a very long and very emotional last few days for all of us.

Once we got home we sat and talked for only a few minutes and then decided we all really needed to go to bed.

We said goodnight and were headed to our bedrooms for the night.

As soon as we got our PJ's on and were ready to lay down...... the phone rang......

You guessed it!...... My little sister was in labor and headed to the hospital.

To be continued......


  1. OH Steph, I am SO proud of you for doing this!! I hate that you are having to re-live it but it probably does help in a funny kind of way?? I love you so much and this is helping me cope a little better with moms now too, I'm sure she felt the same way and now I know a little more of what she went through in her own mind that she didn't share with us! and on a lighter note, I broke my phone the other day and when I got my new one I wanted, your song from this blog "MY WISH" as my ring tone! It makes me think of yu everytime it rings now! Love ya lots!

  2. I'm soooooooo glad it's helping you with the passing of your mom!! That is the best comment I could receive! Love you lots too!

  3. ♥ What a crazy, busy, scary time for you all!!!

  4. Hi Stephanie, got your email. So glad my comment the other day was a blessing to you. Enjoyed reading another chapter in your story. Can't imagine what it must be like having news like that to tell your kids... And you gotta love that baby's timing :)

  5. Stephanie, I have read through your whole story but am wondering when all this happened. Did I miss it in your post somewhere? I do ultrasound and occasionally find what I presume is cancer but of course I can't say anything to my patient. As I sit there scanning, I am often imagining what they will go through after they find out. Since I haven't been through it myself, I have no idea except for what I read and hear from people like you who have. Thanks for writing about your experience.

  6. Wow, what an interesting and yet at times I'm sure difficult job.

    Do you do pregnancy ultra sounds as well? How fun that would be!!

    I found out the morning of October 28, 2004. ALMOST 5 years ago..

  7. Hi Stephanie, I was reading your story this morning after you left a nice note about Bobby Garcia on my blog. I think it's amazing you are writing about your heart-wrenching situation. You certainly will be in my thoughts and prayers and I'll be checking on you as you conquer this illness!

    All my best to you and your lovely family.

  8. I can't imagine the swirl of thoughts that were constantly running through your head.
    Tough time for the baby to decide to present himself. But on the other hand, maybe if gave you a little time to concentrate on something else.

  9. Meg- Thank you very much. It will be 5 years on the 28th of this month....I plan to stomp it. ;)

    TF- It was good to have him. It was very painful not being able to be there for the birth but I was so happy for him to be in our little world...... and happy that I'd at least get to see my sister being a mom, even if I didn't know for how long...

  10. Wow - this is some story. I thought it was happening now, glad you are approaching your five year mark, stomp the hell out it!!!

  11. Deanna- Nope. Just telling "my story". I do have my scans coming up. I will have to have them for the rest of my life. Sadly there is not time frame when I am "cured" with the type of cancer I was diagnosed with.... But I'm still stompin'!

    Nervous as heck about the new scan but still plan to stomp.